Smash Hits Interview, June 2001

This interview was originally transcribed on the old official Gorillaz fansite. I have pasted it here for preservation.

What's your opinion on the state of pop today?

Russel
There has always been wack music made for kiddies parties with no other aim in mind than to make a fast buck for soul less record companies, now ‘ain’t any different from any other time. We ‘ain’t about relieving the worlds children of their hard earned wages from their paper rounds for empty pap passed off as pop!

2D
I had a paper round once but I hated it! I was only doing it for the Christmas tips and let me tell you it was freezing out there on my bike at six ‘o clock in the morning! Any way I didn’t get any tips so from then on I started sticking all of the papers under the ice on the paddling pool down the park, I got the sack after that.

What do you think of:
(i) Robbie Williams

2D
He's got really hairy hands! I used to love him in Mork and Mindy but I don't know if any of your readers will remember that program, he played Pop Eye too. He's had a really long career starting off as an insecure show off high on drugs with a massive ego and he's remained consistent, really stuck to his guns, He has a tendency to get a bit fat and cuddly, doesn't he?

Murdoc
Bang on, numb nuts! You're getting better at this sort of thing.

(ii) Geri Halliwell

Murdoc
She’s a megalomaniac with all of the juice sucked out!

Russel
Look who’s talking!

(iii) S Club 7

Murdoc
What does the S stand for again?

2D
Secret, isn't it!?

Murdoc
Secret? What kind of secret? Like wetting the bed or knicking sweets? Is that what they are all about? I should start paying more attention to them in that case.

(iv) Britney

Russel
Hey Murdoc, I was watching "Rock Stars Cribs" on MTV the other day and that dude Ozzy Osbourne who you are always going on about said that he liked her boobies! Is that what you see in her?

Murdoc
Leave it out Russel, who do you think I am? Fred flippin’ Durst?

(v) Westlife

Murdoc
I'm not gonna even contemplate that gaggle of butt ends! Pop music can be a glorious, up lifting, life affirming revelation for the senses or it can be a calculated soul less burden upon pocket money of the youth all around the world and I think it's pretty clear what category this lot fall into!

(vi) Hear'say

Murdoc
Nice photo's of them in Marie Claire the other day!

Russel
I rest my case! All you young girls out there be warned, steer well clear of dodgy old green toothed rockers like this one!

(vii) Ronan

2D
I saw that the other day, it's not the best De Niro film but it's better than Jack Knife, that's rubbish!

Would any of you have auditioned for Popstars?

2D
No way Jose! My cousin auditioned for an episode of Casualty once, he was going for the part of a crusty old road protester who gets crushed by a J.C.B and ends up, funnily enough having to have a "By-pass" operation!

What are Gorillaz bringing to pop?

Russel
We’re bringing some sorely needed integrity not to mention some good tunes. We’re here to show the world that a new hair do and the ability to do a dance routine does not a pop star make!

2D
Yeah! We also don’t need to have no fashion drop out running off to Bond Street buying up every colour of flip flop they can lay their hands on then have them call it art, for us!

Murdoc
Well done Stu Pot! That one was from the heart! It’s a shame that it didn’t consult with your brain before letting rip but never mind!

In your opinion, do any pop bands deserve punishment for what they do?

Murdoc
I'm sure there's plenty of them who wouldn't dare step foot in the Middle East for fear of having their hands chopped off!

What do you think of Eminem?

2D
I know it's supposed to be really good for you but having someone stick a tube up your bottom and see all that old pooh come out, yuck! It just doesn't appeal to me!

Russel
Now your doing it on purpose, I can't believe you don't know who Eminem is, I thought the Robbie and Ronan ones were quite funny but your milking it now and the joke's starting to wear a bit thin! Just calm down and stop showing off!

Murdoc
I dunno Russ, I think it’s the first time the idiot’s said anything of any interest or worth. I mean what opinion can you really have about all of the Muppet’s we've been asked about so far?

2D
Why have you got to be miserable all the time? I can’t talk to you about anything, it’s always "You’re a Muppet Stu Pot" or "Shut up Stu Pot" I’ve always wanted to do an interview for Smash Hits, y’know!? I think it’s really cool, I mean we’re pop stars, it’s wicked!

Murdoc
You’re just a scab on the top of my stardom, so Stu Pot, shutit or I’ll pick you off!

What would you do if he came round Kong Studios, waving his chainsaw about?

Murdoc
You got to admit Russel that a pig piece of poop running around with a chainsaw is a pretty funny image!

Russel
Now who's the idiot?

As a 10-year-old in pop, does Noodle feel any solidarity with Lil' Bow-Wow?

Russel
Lil’ Bow-Wow’s a good kid, listens to what his uncle Snoop has to tell him and that’s cool. Noodle is just like any other ten-year-old, guitar heroine, karate master, Zen adept that you might care to mention, she studies hard and plays hard.

Murdoc
Oh do shut up Russel, not all Smash Hits readers are dribbling three-year-olds! What’s the matter with you? We’re in a position to redress the encroaching conservatism within pop culture that has slowly gained a foothold over the last two decades and the first chance you get it’s "Listen to Mum, be nice to Gran, teachers are right so do your home work and don’t kiss anyone until your married!" Listen, snogging, love bites and Chinese burns are all cool and remember no body likes a four eyed brainiac teachers pet, so bunk off and stay at home watching crappy day time TV!

2D
Yeah that stuff is all cool but I always got done if I did any of it, gutted!

Noodle (Translated from Japanese)
Blessings are not received twice and calamities do not occur alone!

How do the band get on?

Russel
We all love each other like brothers and sisters apart form Murdoc who hates us and himself equally.

Murdoc
Sounds about right!

What's the worst fight you've ever had?

2D
When I was at school, in the first year, there was this gang of fifth year punks who called themselves "The Organ Boys." They got hold of me one dinner time and stuck one of the five a-side football posts down the collar of my shirt and out of my trouser leg then stuck it in the ground. They stuck another one threw my shirtsleeves so I was crucified! They then spent the rest of break time kicking footballs at me really hard. That was definitely the worst fight I ever had!

Murdoc
You being publicly humiliated does not constitute a fight.

How rock'n'roll are you?

Murdoc
Depends what you lot class as rock and roll, I mean we may not reach the giddy on tour hights of Five or Steps but we know how to have a good time!

Do you trash hotel rooms?

Russel
I thought this was supposed to be for younger readers! This isn’t anyway to conduct an interview for impressionable minds, I don’t like the road this is going down. I wouldn’t let Noodle get away with that kind of behaviour!

Murdoc
Pull the other one phatwa fat boy! What about the time you decided that you wanted a swimming pool in the little bed and breakfast we staying and filled all the doors and windows up in your room in and then left the taps running? Ay? What about that?

Russel
Listen man, all I was saying was that this ‘aint for the kids, y’know?

Murdoc
No I don’t know, hypocrite!

Have you broken any laws recently?

2D
I haven’t broken any laws but I went into the centre of London on May Day to check out what was going on and I ended up trapped in Oxford Circus.

Do you get much interest from groupies?

Murdoc
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Russel
That would be yes then!

2D
I’ve got some too!

Who's the most popular with them?

Russel
Now you’ve done it!

2D
I’m most popular with the ones who like me!

Murdoc
You know what? I can’t be bothered to even comment on that, numb nuts!

What do you demand in your backstage rider?

Murdoc
Chips and sweets!

Why doesn't he set fire to cats anymore?

Murdoc
Why are you talking about me like I’m not here, you weirdo? The answer to your question is that I have bigger fish to fry!

2D
What like a huge spawning salmon? They’re bigger than cats, I didn’t know you used to fry cats though! Is that how they caught fire?

What exactly are Murdoc's 'personal hygine' problems mentioned in the press biog?

Russel
Again, I don’t think that is for the ears of children!

How did 2D lose his front teeth?

2D
Murdoc punched me

How does he cope with being the heartthrob of the band?

Murdoc
What do you mean? I’m the heartthrob of the band!

Is 2D as thick as he seems does he genuinely have a "blank piece of paper where his brain should be"?

2D
No! That’s rubbish! It’s just one of Murdoc’s "Award Winning" jokes! I’ve got a lot to say just not all of the time, like him.

Apart from the trouble with the demon, did Russel have any other problems at his posh school?

Russel
Biology class! Open-heart surgery was tricky, I only ended up with a C-!

Is he posh then, and if so, does he know Ben a1?

Russel
I’m not posh, I’m American, I’ll leave all that class system stuff to you lot. And no, I don’t know Ben from A1 or Benny from Crossroads or that Ben-der from N-Sync.

Does he find it uncomfortable having a ghost living inside him?

Russel
No, absolutely not. I have the positive mental power of two men.

What do you think of Hear'say?

Russel
Hear’say, gone tomorrow!

Which bands do you like?

2D
I like the Super Furry animals coz they sing about Unicorns and gravity and Michael Jackson because he can get even the baddest gangsters screaming like bitches!

What do you do when you're not making music?

2D
I go down Whitelys shopping centre and do a bit of zombie spotting.

How do you relax?

Murdoc
What is this 1000000 questions or something? I’ve got some for you while we’re at it! What genius came up with your new logo? I mean SMA HITS, what’s that all about? You all into baby milk or something? I’d have love to have been on that board meeting, everyone scared to tell the truth about SH! Looking like it was about to spell shi…

Russel
That’s enough of that Murdoc, 2D’s already sworn enough for us all. Are you in a personal mission to rub Ann Robinson up the wrong way?

Murdoc
Now who’s got the potty mouth?

Favourite:
Films?

Murdoc
Magnolia, Dog day Afternoon and anything with John Cassavettes or Peter Faulk.

2D
Rockers, Dawn of the Dead and Weird Science.

Noodle
Seven Samurai and The Iron Giant

Russel
Carlito's Way, Heat, Blade and Beat Street.

TV?

Murdoc
Christ on a bike! Could you be any more boring? Why don’t you ask what our favourite colours are?

Who are your friends outside the band?

2D
Robbie Jackson and Wellard.

Do the rest of Blur mind you poaching Damon?

Murdoc
I’ve heard that they are secretly over the moon to see the back of him!

Do you see yourself as in competition with any other bands?

Murdoc
This is not a competition this is war!

Noodle (Translated from Japanese)
Where there is choice there is conflict and where there is conflict there is misery!

How was your gig at The Scala?

Murdoc
Great man, we burnt the mother down! God bless Satan!

Where's the best place you've painted your Gorillaz graffiti?

2D
I don’t get much time to do that anymore, the kids are spreading the word for us now.

Have you started reading Smash Hits since you've been in it?

Murdoc
Yeah man, its great for reading on the bog when you’re curling a big one down

Russel
There you go again, just couldn’t help yourself I guess.

What happens if Jamie goes for a cup of tea in the middle of a drawing - have you ever spent an hour without any feet?

Murdoc
I've had enough of your inane line of drivel, and bugger me have you droned on, dredging up every mind numbing non-entity and dim witted piece of trivia you could think of to ask us about. Up until know I've tried to hold it down because of the age of you readership but I have enough of this old knicker leg of a conversation! I don't know about spending an hour with out any feet, you wanna ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with out any teeth!?